It was Mother’s Day this past weekend, and it got me thinking more about my journey so far as a mom of two. It’s been four months and some since becoming a mother of two to my sweet boys. I have to be honest with you guys, becoming a mom of two kicked my ass.
Emotionally. Physically. Mentally…all the asses.
It wasn’t until after 3-ish months that I began to feel more settled into this new dynamic of mom life and begin to embrace and enjoy it. I’ve almost forgotten how difficult being a mom to a newborn was for me this time around.
I’m still processing Henri’s birth, as it was not how I had envisioned it. Being as type-A as I am, it’s been challenging to accept that his birth was everything opposite I planned for our family’s experience. I’m not quite ready to revisit all the details of his birth, but maybe I’m thinking this brain dump will allow me to heal in another way.
This post is going to be separated into two parts. Partly because my thoughts are not fully coherent yet, partly because there is so much I feel I need to get down!
Lots of well-meaning folks made passing comments about the challenges of becoming a mom of two littles. None of those bits of advice carried the true weight of how much the family dynamic changes and how hard all of it is. Not even close!
Maybe it’s one of those “you have to experience it to know” kind of things. It could also be because moms/parents often tend to forget tough times with their kids – I know this to be true personally, so can’t really hold it against anyone.
A couple things people said to me…
“Don’t worry, your heart just grows and you have so much love for both your kids”
I really struggled falling in blissful love right out of the gate this time. To this day, I can’t shake the guilt of that. But instead of repressing and denying it, I want to acknowledge it. Maybe that is step one to healing.
When Lincoln was born, I fell immediately in love and he fit into our lives as if he was always there from the beginning. When Henri arrived, my heart ached so badly for the first few days and admittedly, it overshadowed the joy and pride I felt.
I had a brand new baby who needed me, and I wanted to be everything for him. But I also had a 2 year old who just experienced a traumatic evening and I couldn’t hold, comfort and give my everything to him. He actually didn’t want to be near me for about 24 hours, so that was another hit to the feels.
I was doing a poor job of being the all-giving mother to Henri I intended to be. This new little human that has just shown up in our lives was a stranger to me. I am supposed to fall in love with him and care for him with everything I could muster. But I didn’t understand his cries or his squirms.
My inability to be the world for either of my boys crushed me. I carried a tremendous amount of guilt during the first couple months postpartum. Even as I write this 4 months later, all those feelings are bubbling up again and I’m struggling to bring myself back from the edge of breaking out into ugly cry.
“The second is easy! All the hard parts of being a new mom were worked out with your first.”
Uhhhhh…no! Becoming a mom the second time around is HARDER! Not only do you have two little kids to care for, but you also don’t get the same type of support from people as you did with your first. I think this must be because everyone thinks you’re an expert now.
Whether folks have children or not, everyone’s conditioned to know that first time mom life is tough as shit. You see imagery in movies and tv shows all the time of disheveled moms at their wits end with a screaming baby in their arms. I think this perception is one reason why first time moms get more support from their community – physically and emotionally.
You can imagine how much my superiority complex kicked in when I became a mom to Lincoln. Becoming a first time mom was so easy, contrary to all the commentary! Where was all this no sleep, pain and suffering everyone was so eager to tell me about?
I really don’t think I received any positive words of encouragement prior to Lincoln’s birth…if you know for sure that you did give me some positive experience stories, sorry, I don’t remember them. Because all the negative birth stories and comments about how the first few months will be about survival and how I will feel like a zombie drowned them all out. So I was so proud of myself and dare I say, smug, when I handled first time mom life like a CHAMP!
With Henri’s arrival, not only was I back in unfamiliar territory because it had been 2+ years since I had a newborn, but he was also a VERY different baby. Learning to breastfeed, burp, change and hold a newborn all over again was one thing. But because I wasn’t familiar with Henri and his needs/wants yet, he cried. And cried. And oh did he cry. This kid is going to be an opera singer without a doubt.
Henri’s cries caused my eardrums to vibrate and I couldn’t deal. Just when we thought he couldn’t possibly get any louder, he took it up two notches to prove us wrong. Mad respect for him for his commitment and stamina.
I couldn’t comfort him because giving him a boob just didn’t cut it. I was a one-trick pony and without the ability to quiet him down with a boob, I was useless. One painful evening I broke down in tears and handed Henri to the husband saying “I don’t think I’m meant to be his mom”. I was in a dark place.
Writing this out and admitting it hurts my heart so much. Because Henri is the most joyful thing ever! He is always smiling and his smile is so beautiful and heart-melting. It’s impossible to resist kissing and biting his chunky thighs and bouncy belly! He’s a cool kid who’s happy to just sit there, observe and enjoy whatever is happening around him. It’s not his fault that I was in the mental state I was in.
This post was very difficult for me. It’s been about 2 months in the making. I continually had to step away to regroup myself after on the verge of tears laying down a couple sentences. And there’s going to be a Part 2!
I’m hoping this will allow me to emotionally heal in a positive way and make me a better mom. I’m curious if other second time moms share my experience? Let me know 🙂
